Dirt Discovers Entire Nation Reinforced With Stone; Paperwork Signed By Dirt’s Own Leader

Dirt, Pavian Crownland—The nation of Dirt was thrown into crisis on Friday after a citizen switched on Citadel’s info mode while redecorating and found that every block in the country, all of it dirt, had been reinforced with stone.

“I clicked one block and it said ‘Reinforced with Stone,’” said the citizen. “So I clicked another one. Then I sat down. Then I found out the block I sat on was also stone.”

Dirt has been part of the Pavian Crownland since June 2024. Its outraged citizens marched to the Pavian records office to find out who had ordered the work. There they discovered that the official responsible for all Crownland records and statistics is Pavia’s Tabulator, HaKr_, who is also the leader of Dirt.

“I tabulate a great many things,” HaKr_ said in a brief statement. “I cannot be expected to read all of them.”

Records show the stone was ordered under the title “haakr I of the Dirtgrove Initiative,” the noble rank HaKr_ received when Dirt joined the Crownland. A Pavian clerk confirmed the order was approved “because it was signed by the Dirt Lord, and we assumed he knew what dirt wanted.”

HaKr_’s official CivWiki biography, which states at the top that it was generated by ChatGPT, describes him as a “pioneer,” a “diplomat” and “the indomitable Dirt Lord,” and claims that 90% of the server embraced his dirt-only building style. Fact-checkers say the remaining 10% now appears to include Dirt itself.

Citizens have asked what other documents their leader might have signed without reading. Officials confirmed that the April Fools’ Day release of 14 withers was also processed through the Tabulator’s office. “It was in the same pile,” said the clerk.

The news has rippled across the server. In Volterra, VEC’s Dirt-Emerald exchange suspended trading after customers began demanding proof that their dirt was not secretly stone. “We have always guaranteed pure dirt,” said a VEC representative. “We are now offering a premium tier, Certified Unreinforced, at twice the price.”

In Fairhill, the government issued a message of solidarity “with Dirt in this difficult time.” The message was addressed to Fairhill’s giant chicken, also named Dirt, which officials believed had been reinforced. They have since confirmed that the chicken is fine, and that the DIRT Accord remains in force.

Dirt’s citizens have voted to strip the stone out using Citadel acid blocks, which slowly eat through reinforcements. Engineers warn the acid only works from directly beneath a block. To free the whole nation, Dirt will have to be acid-blocked from underneath, one block at a time, by digging under itself.

“We will dig beneath our own country to save it,” said a Dirt engineer. “It is the most dirt thing we have ever done.”

At press time, HaKr_ had announced an official inquiry into the reinforcements, to be led by the Tabulator.