BritishWanderer Admits “Long Rumoured” History With Horses, Refuses To Elaborate; Horses Also Refuse To Elaborate

Bedford Commons, Pavia—Pavia was plunged into its worst scandal in years this week after BritishWanderer, a former Emperor, Crown Prince, Archduke, Prime Minister and current Duke of Bedford, confirmed to The Nipplerockian that he has a “long rumoured” history with horses, that “it’s not a story a stableboy would tell you,” and that he “can’t” tell it either.

The admission has left investigators with a problem. BritishWanderer’s CivWiki page is one of the longest on the site and records more than a decade of his life in exhaustive detail, down to the vote count when he became Speaker of the Icenian House in 2015 (43). It does not mention horses once.

“We have his coups, his referendums, his civil war and every one of his deaths,” said one wiki editor. “The horse section is the only thing missing. When a page is that thorough, a gap like that isn’t an oversight. It’s a load-bearing wall.”

Within an hour of the interview, the word “horse” was added to his page. It was removed four minutes later by an account called NotBritishWanderer, with the edit summary “no.”

This newspaper has since interviewed every stableboy in Pavia. All of them confirmed that it is not a story they would tell. One began, “Well, it started in Volterra—” and was elevated to minor nobility within the hour. He has since declined all interviews from his new manor.

Investigators then turned to the Duke’s political record. His first act as President of Icenia, in 2015, was a bill granting a town a farming district “to grow crops on.” The bill does not say which crops. “It doesn’t need to,” said one agricultural historian. “You don’t hand a man a field and leave the crop blank unless the crop is hay.”

His 2017 nation, Vallera, is described on CivWiki as “just a big manor and some forest.” Investigators say a manor with no recorded stables is “suspiciously tidy for a man of his means.”

The trail led eventually to Seafoam Road in his own duchy, where in September 2025 a group of new citizens founded the Church of the Horse. The Church worships the Gods of the Sun and the Moon, who appear to the faithful as horses. Its scripture records that the founding ceremony, held after midnight, was attended by “several prominent and famous citizens of Pavia,” including BritishWanderer.

The Church says it was founded after its Prophets burned their sins in a campfire, washed in a hot tub, threw offerings into the sea, died, respawned and found horses eating the offerings. Its chief god, the God of the Moon, started out as a horse given to two lost newfriends as a welcome gift.

“Every religion has a founding miracle,” said one theologian. “Ours is that two newfriends got a free horse and nobody was pearled. On this server, that’s about as miraculous as it gets.”

Church officials denied the Duke is a member, but said the horses “consider him a regular.”

Theologians have also noted that the Church teaches resurrection, and that BritishWanderer has died in office at least four times. His recorded causes of death include “total organ failure” and “full-body bugling.” Veterinary experts point out that bugling is usually associated with elk, and say the Duke may have died “as the wrong animal entirely.”

After two of those deaths, Pavia made jokes temporarily illegal. Lawyers for this newspaper have confirmed that this article can only be published because BritishWanderer is currently alive, and have asked editors to “check again before printing.”

Pavia’s court jester, Jimmy the Jester, disappeared in June 2023, the same month BritishWanderer declared himself Emperor. Asked where Jimmy was, a Pavian official said he was “in a better place.” Asked whether that place was a stable, the official ended the call.

Monument Bank, which BritishWanderer founded, issued a statement denying that it has ever offered horse-backed securities. A spokesperson later clarified that the bank has never offered them “publicly.”

Former Coast Guard trainees say the scandal finally explains the “BritishWanderer Baseline,” a Generic War-era rule under which every recruit had to fight the Duke best of three. “He fought like a man on horseback,” said one. “There was no horse. There was nothing underneath him at all. You’d hit him and he’d sort of canter backwards.”

Legal scholars have also combed through the British Wanderer Act, which governs the entire Lyrean Commonwealth. They report that it contains no mention of horses, which, like the wiki page, they now find “deafening.”

This newspaper’s correspondent attempted to join the Church of the Horse to investigate from the inside. He passed the Holy Hot Tub, died in the Firepit of Cleanse, and threw his notebook into the sea as an offering, where it was eaten by a horse. The horse has not returned his calls.

At press time, the word “horse” had been added to BritishWanderer’s wiki page a fifth time, and removed with the edit summary “not a story a stableboy would tell.”