Stardust Crusaders Alarmed To Learn Alliance Name Was Not A Coincidence

Zorweth—Settlers from the Stardust Crusaders, the Estalian-led coalition on Zorweth, have reported a sudden outbreak of Stands across the alliance’s claim. Officials say the outbreak has forced them to admit that the alliance’s name may have had consequences.

The first case was reported on Thursday, when a Volterran miner forged meteoric iron from the shard’s central basalt delta into an arrow and nicked himself on it. “I turned around and there was a large muscular man behind me with his arms crossed,” said the miner, Cobblesworth_92, 26. “I asked him who he was. He said nothing and slowly turned his head towards the camera.”

Within 48 hours, every Crusader on the shard had one. Most now have two.

Estalian officials insist the alliance was named “on aesthetic grounds” and that nobody had checked. Some citizens have noted that the full name of their nation is the Glorious Undying Star Empire. Officials declined to comment on whether its Stand is called Star Platinum, saying it was “a matter for the historians.”

The historians have since opened a new chapter in Estalia’s official chronology, titled “The Stasis of Menacing Posture.” It is divided into the Quadratural, Syzygial and Pose phases.

Zorweth’s low gravity has made things worse. “On the main map a dramatic pose lasts a second,” said a Pavian engineer. “Here you jump into it and hang in the air for about six. Nobody gets any mining done. Everyone is just slowly floating past each other, pointing.”

Oxygen is also a problem. Crusader air supplies are being used up at roughly three times the normal rate, which health officials put down to settlers shouting “ORA ORA” at the salt flats for hours at a time. Several pioneers have passed out mid-shout, and their Stands carried on without them.

Estalia, long known for its isolationism, has handled the crisis in character. It says it has had Stands all along, and that other nations simply could not see them. “Only Stand users can see Stands,” said an Estalian spokesperson. “This explains a great deal about our foreign policy.”

Neighbouring claims are worried. A Norlund border guard said the Crusaders had begun “walking towards us very slowly and on purpose, with strange letters floating around them.” The Meridiem Entente, which holds the shard’s largest claim, has asked the Crusaders to confirm in writing that none of their Stands can stop time. The request is under review.

In Pavia, BritishWanderer confirmed that his own Stand had appeared, but declined to say what shape it took.

At press time, the Crusaders’ oxygen reserves had reached zero, the entire coalition had passed out on the salt flats, and a yellow arrow had appeared in the bottom corner of the claim map reading “To Be Continued.”